Direction

Been wondering about where I am supposed to be going.

I don't have the strength to continue with where I'm at right now, or the courage to collapse.

Lord, what am I here for? Lead me, and I will follow. Give me a song to sing, and I will worship you. I am yours once again, I put my trust in you.

Second day back at work after a long weekend.

Don't have the insentive or motivation for being here. After about 2 years of working at a level same as when I was part of a team of 3 I've lost interest in being here. Which leads to the question of 'Where do I go from here?'

Though I did change up some commemorative coins with the person I'm working for/with for his children, which he was most pleased about - so it was worth coming in for that.

A Long weekend

A long weekend ahead :-) :-) Don't know yet, but I might be going down to Bournmouth to a Roy Fields event.


Feels like I've been running on empty for a while, it might be because I've lost sight of what God is doing. I need to get focused again, but don't have the strength to go looking for what he'd doing, yet I know I need to, to find him, to be truely at ease and at rest with him.

Which is another reason it'll be good if I can make it to the Roy Fields Evernt

Expectations

What do we really expect? What are our expectations? If we talk to someone face to face we expect a response straight away. Yet when we email or post something (on Facebook or by Royal Mail) What are the expectations? What kind of response are we looking for when we ask


What about when we pray? What then? We ask and don't get get because do not expect anything, which is something that I have been guilty of.

Do I know just what I'm looking for?

Lord, please help me with this.

A Return?

It's been a while since I've posted anything. This is because not being able to get into it from work for a while (where I do most of my blogging from) and then forgetting about it. Not really good reasons I know, yet true reasons I know. Now I know that I can back into this, I want to try and post more here. Whatever they may be.

(Untitled)

It's been a while since my last blog. Now seems as good a time as any to resume. Particularly as I'm now wondering 'Have I let my integrity slip?' Have I become distracted by other stuff?

To be the person I've been made to be, integrity, nobility & purity are the minimum standard

This has been a weird week so far.

The past two and a bit years have just been strange anyway. It's been a long two years that seems to have gone quick. Work has been predominant focus in it all, unfortunately. Bing the last person lest from a team of about 14; though in reality, I'm doing that of just 5!

I need to get away from it all.

The morning seemed to drag this morning. The afternoon went quick; this, I think, was as a result trying to get several things done at once. We all get times like this I know, yet were I work, going from a lull to being busy than back again seem to be the norm.

I'll be glad when it's all over. Still, it's the end of my working day now.

Monday Morning. Back at work after a long weekend. Having Friday as part of the weekend was a big help and much needed.

Yet, I am feeling kind of unsettled. God needed to do some stuff at the weekend and being where I am at this moment isn't much of a help.

Rant

I have know idea of where I am supposed to be. All I know is that I'm not meant to be where I am now. If I had some idea of where I'm meant to be going, that would be something; I would be able to start out in that direction even if I didn't know the destination. As it is, I don't know which way to go; I'm not even to sure which way is up in all this.

Another week gone. Seems hard to believe that it's February already (despite the snow!) Finally quit the WHOTS. It means that I can have my Saturdays back for now. It also means that I can concentrate telling my Hindu friend/work college about Jesus. He's been asking question about it for a long time. Which is one of the reasons that once a week we go for a coffee in the canteen, which we've been doing for getting on for 18 months now. More about that another time.
Anyway, the weekwnd is here!!!!!!

The Edge of the Horizon

To be standing at the edge,
To the horizon looking out,
With uncertain ease I face this empty space.
The blurring of boundaries before me;
Not knowing where the present ends and the future begins.
The question that hovers do I jump into the unknown, with the freedom and the fear of free falling out of control or to travel down the route I came, back to the despondent dissonance of being not where I am meant to be?
There seems to be an answer to this question that is making its self known. A way that could be solution to what I am, the place I am to be.
Yet will the answer that you want to be be nothing more than flight of fancy?

So I remain, for now, standing at the edge of the horizon.

Love Them

To be in the world with those who scheme and scam.
Not to give in to their ways or become like them.
Hold no anger for them; to have only love for them
To love them as we are loved, with one true abounding love.
To pour out love on them; love that is everlasting; that knows no limits.

A Confession Cont' Update

I've had an email for her asking for help with the cost of the travel. I'm not surprised. I've had a nagging feeling that something was not right about all this for a while. So today I decided to do some (albeit brief) research into scams. It looks like someone (who I don't know) is trying a romance scam. I emailed her with a like to a romance scam, saying I now cautious. I'm not expecting a reply back. The pictures I was sent of her show a really attractive person; however, I got the pictures nearly every email I received from whoever it was. I don't know if the person in the picture is involved or not.
Either way, I'm breaking contact from whoever it is as from today. Releif at last!!!

A Confession Con't

The person I had started to get to know from the Internet, there's a part of me that still wants to meet her to get to know her better.
There's also another part of me that, as cynical as this may be, wonders who I'm really in contact with, and why? I shouldn't be like that I know, yet there is something about the emails that has left me cautious. If I never heard from her again, I wouldn't mind. I never really expected or wanted to get anything out of it, if I did it would be a bonus. In all, I choose to be optimistic about it all, whatever happens.

A Confession

I have made contact with someone through the internet. I was on a not so well known social network when she left a message. She was one of several who made contact. What caught my attention about her was she was unassuming in her message, that if I wanted to chat to contact her. It was some weeks before I contacted her. Turns out she’s Russian. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve never known any Russians before. I’m not really sure why I made contact or what I was expecting to get out of it. As it is she is after a serious relationship. I am glad that I’ve been getting to know her, though she is more serious about it than I am right now.
She’s making arrangements to come and visit and I can’t say I’m not looking forward to meeting her. I am pleased she is. Yet I don’t know what I can do for her. I don’t have the heart for where I live; I don’t know where I am supposed to be or belong.
How can I show some one around place that I don’t have the heart for? One thing I do not want to do is hurt her, she doesn’t deserve that. I probably care more than I realise. It is not helping that I’ve not told anyone about her, like the fool that I am.

Father God, HELP! I’ve screwed up again and have. Please give me the wisdom and strength to do what is right. Not my will but yours. Please, also, would you give me some confirmation of what I’m supposed to do and the eyes to see it and the heart to act on it. Thank you.

To start something, without any seriousness, not knowing where it will lead; only for it to become more serious than you can ever imagine. Yet to continue with it out of curiosity to see where it will ultimately lead and because it may just be the answer you were looking for. The answer, resolution to the quiet discontent that was nagging away in some dark corner of your spirit, that you are not where you are supposed to be. The maintaining with what you’ve always been doing knowing just that – it is what you do, and not what you are or where you fit because you don’t know what you’re supposed to be or do because you. Or it might be an escape from the routine of the day to day life.

Dreams

Every one dreams, whether they remember them or not is another matter. And occasionally the dream is weird. This is nothing new. Yet to have three weird dreams in the course of 5 nights last week and to remember them has left me knowing what to make of it.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year.

First blog of the new year and the first day back at work. I can't say that I'm not glad that 2008 is gone, when it wasn't the best of years, and not just for me. Yet the promise of a new year lays ahead.